Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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