I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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