i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
