i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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