My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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