I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
