Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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