home. puking in laundry basket.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
