I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
