You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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