guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
