This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
