Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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