I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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