I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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