If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
