I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
