Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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