i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
