I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
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