I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
