Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
