Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
The best revenge is premature balding
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
