Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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