Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
