I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I need to stop coming to work sober
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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