Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
The struggles of a small town man whore
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
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