They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize