never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
