yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Plan B is the new Plan A
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
