he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize