Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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