What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I stole a fireplace last night.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
