I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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