Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
