omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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