i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
