Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
