I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
