you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
