I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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