remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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