So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
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