I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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