I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
