Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
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