im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
