actually, I'm a sock model
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
