my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
you didnt know i had herpes?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
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