If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
