One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
