chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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