One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
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