So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
