and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
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