I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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