Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
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