the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
