New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
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