last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Randomize
