this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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