I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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