I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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