My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
