Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Will exercising make me less horny?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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